rant. ignore.

M, one of our most beloved Samaritans volunteers, died today. This kind 86-year-old was the co-founder of Samaritans Mumbai Helpline and was suffering from advanced-stage cancer. He was a warm person and I really liked him. I was in the office when I read a WApp text in the Helpline group at 3 pm today that said that he was no more. His funeral took place at the same place where my grandma was cremated. I was in two minds if I should go there. I would have met him at his place sooner but I was not aware of his condition earlier. 

I have never been good at processing emotions, especially grief. I never got a chance to bid my grandma goodbye. I loved her so much, I cared for her and looked after her. I never cried when she died. It's been 13 years now, but then, almost every day ever since I have been thinking of her.     

A lot of bad memories, apart from my grandma's death, are attached to that place where M was cremated today; somehow, even today, I'm struggling to process them. It hurts so much. No, I didn't go to the funeral. It would have triggered a lot of feelings which I am not sure am capable of handling right now. Not a day goes by when I don't think of those memories and by going there it would have just been reopening old wounds and inflicting fresh ones. I do feel guilty for not going. But it would have been really difficult for me to carry on later. Even as I decided to not go, my mind already began wandering in that direction. Again, flashes of those memories flew past my eyes even as I was pretending to read.

Like a selfish coward who is unable to face these feelings, I took refuge in the office banter even though I was mentally absent from the conversations and somehow ended the office hours. Later, eating one of my favourite comfort foods with a kind, loving soul brought a brief respite from the numbing pain I was going through. My heart was so heavy at that moment. Had he asked me how I am doing... I would have easily broken down in tears. He thankfully didn't ask. Better sense prevailed and I managed to smile and talk through it till I perched myself on the train seat.

I'm hurting. So much. Even today my vision is blurred with my tears as I'm typing this. There is so much pain in my heart that I feel I'm now incapable of loving anyone. I might end up only hurting them with this pain. I really hope to stay sane, at least for a minute.