the w-day

I remember thinking that the day mon petit frère gets married, my life's purpose will come to an end. Like, I'm living on this planet just for that. My tormented mind will finally breathe a sigh of relief as le frère will tie the knot by the end of this month. So far, I have been hanging in there; emotionally, at least. Trying to eat clean, consciously not overeating my emotions and feelings so that I don't cause any trouble to la famille and ruin their happiness before his wedding day (w-day). 

I'm so exhausted. Really. I tried all sorts of things - looking good from the outside to feel good from the inside, reading books, consuming horror content, participating in walkathons and marathons, eating clean, starting my day with a positive thought - everything that supposedly should give my perpetually melancholic mind a serotonin surge. But this all feels temporary. The moment I start something (anything) positive to cheer my state of mind, it soon reverts to its functional morose state—like the boulder Sisphus carries up the hill only for it to roll back down.   

N has been trying his best, too, to deal with my feral mood swings. He has perfected the wobbly walk on eggshells. I don't want that. I hate myself for it... so much. I have even started hating to see my reflection in the mirror or the way I look in the photos. Why doesn't talking to someone about these things come so easy to me? I see people talking about their problems all the time. How are they so comfortable, and I'm not? I do talk about it here sometimes, but it feels like I'm talking to a wall. Only if the wall could suddenly jump to life and hug me once. I might just shatter into a million pieces. 

I feel the moment mon petit frère manages to settle down in his life with sa nouvelle épouse and all, I will consciously or subconsciously let those thoughts invade my mind again without interruption. I do sometimes think of the dive from a high-rise, how similar it would initially feel to that of the rollercoaster dive, only that it would be the last dive of my life. Or my bones cracking like the bubbles we burst on a bubble wrap, or my brain squishing like a fruit if I come under a bus or a train. Anyway. For now, I'm really looking forward to the w-day. Who knows what's in store for me in the days that follow.