Interestingly, no one really sees it. Everyone is so busy with their own problems and in their own worlds, no one has the time to lift their eyes from their phones or take time out today for any deep, meaningful conversations. Also, no one really cares or observes unless they have any vested interest in you or for some reason like or hate you. Well, this makes my life easier as I don't have to hide it or keep an answer ready like blaming a blind foster cat for clawing on my arms. One, the middle one, indeed Milo did it while he was jumping across in a frenzy. But the rest two marks are my doing. I have further designed it as claw marks. Looks and sounds convincing. A reminder that I do not deserve to forget the wrongdoings and live with the guilt for the rest of my waking life.
The feeling is so overwhelming that it becomes difficult to function. Yet I have to... There are things I want to forget but am unable to and am not being allowed to as well. Also, I feel I won't allow myself to forget those things. Living with guilt is making me a little crazier with each passing day. I guess I deserve that. But there I am waking up every morning going to the office and behaving like things are going just fine - emotionally, I mean. I keep getting flashes of past traumas and mishappenings and zone out during conversations. Even the smallest familiar word takes me back to the images I'm trying to let go of. Even while I am working alone, reading, I suddenly zone out. This has been happening a lot lately.
Thanks to my work profile now, I'm reading more and writing 100-word shorts with K. That's helping me a little, though. I'll not deny that. But how long will inanimate words and authors will provide my ever-chaotic brain with the solace I so long for? Will I ever be happy? Will I always be in that anticipation of the other shoe dropping? So many people are dealing with much greater problems, trauma, and grief. How do they survive? With whom do they share their problems and pain?
One look at this blog and you will see that side of me I never present to the world. But no one reads this blog. Not even the ones who are closest to me. LOL. So, I'm safe here to let my emotions loose. Initially, I used to worry that N or S would read the blog and see what I am going through. But nah. No one has the bandwidth today and neither do I want them to waste their time on this, on me. Do I really deserve their time, attention and love? S, probably, because am biologically connected to him. But N? I really don't know. I don't even know if he would ever forgive me. Forgive me for what? I will share it someday here when I am ready. I really don't want to ruin anything between us at the moment. It's nothing short of a miracle that he has survived living with me so far.
I know this melancholic high tide my mind is experiencing right now will eventually subside and resurge with a huge force sometime again later. I feel, one day, when it becomes too unbearable, I might just go ahead and jump my way to death - experience the last surge of adrenaline before I depart. Meanwhile, let me keep punishing myself, justly, for the sins I've committed.
No comments:
Post a Comment