close shave

I almost died this Tuesday—without me even trying this time. 

I was attempting to jump onto the overcrowded Virar-bound train during the peak hour to reach home sooner, but slipped as I tried to hold on to the rod. I don't know, maybe my survival instinct kicked in and I thought to quickly get to my feet as the train jerked to leave. My left leg would have gotten dragged along with the train if I had stayed there longer. With women around me yelling and panicking as if they were the ones hurt, one of them helped me stand up, and I managed to get on the corridor ledge. 

As the train started, the panicked ladies asked me if I wanted to drink water or sit inside. 

"No, I have to get down at the next station," I said calmly with a soft smile as if I were responding to a regular question. 

"Are you hurt?" 

"No, I'm fine. Please don't worry, thanks."

"You should have waited for the next train. Why jump like this? You could have died!" 

I nodded and smiled.

And the ladies went on about their business—watching web series, responding to a text, speaking to someone on the other line, and so on. Their concern dissipated as quickly as it came, and I became a regular commuter to them, standing ahead in the line blocking their way to get down.    

In all this, the one thing that bothered and surprised me was—why did my survival instinct kick in? Why? 

It's not like I never imagined myself being crushed under a train or pondered about how it would feel if I jumped in front of a fast train. Was I scared? Maybe or maybe not. Well, that didn't stop me from imagining further—how it would have been if that woman hadn't helped me get onto the train or if I hadn't had the will to stand. Maybe my body would have gotten stuck between the platform and the train? Maybe I would have been partially handicapped? Who knows? 

I told N, and he was like, "Why do you do this?" and then he moved on to doing his things. I guess he didn't get it properly, or maybe I didn't explain it that well. But I'm glad he didn't make much fuss out of this.  

Anyway, I still don't know how I feel about this. I'm still bothered by why my survival instinct kicked in. Just dumping my thoughts here because I don't know where else to. But I'm grateful for it.