recovery

So, yesterday, in my muted rage, I almost hit my eardrums with my pen. I had held my pen so tightly and had this strong urge to burst my eardrums, so that I could turn deaf and not listen to anyone anymore. But like they say, better sense prevailed; that thought left me as quietly as it had appeared. I was in the office and didn't want to create a scene, so I kept my pen down. All this shit hasn't thankfully affected my work performance. 

I discovered that there is something called a madafcking post-menstrual syndrome. (exCuSe mY frEnch.) Because, like everyone, I googled my symptoms instead of going to a doctor and landed on a page by Healthline that implied that I may have had this idiotic POMS for this particular cycle. As if PMS and PMDD weren't enough to torture me. Anyway. I'm doing relatively better today. While I didn't ride today, I slept properly. The rage has subsided slightly. It feels like the calm after the shitstorm. To my surprise, I even found myself chatting with a familiar friendly face on the commute to work. Usually, I bury my head in a book so that no one bothers me. Even she must have been surprised, I guess, or not. Whatever.  

I will hopefully start riding my bike from tomorrow. I need that dopamine spike badly. Yours truly is, hopefully, on an emotional recovery.     

 

rollercoaster

dunno why i am unable to contain my anger. even the slightest inconvenience is pissing me off so bad. head feels heavy and i'm unable to make sense of my foul mood. One moment it is alright, the other moment, it just dips. Weekend was good, rode and watched good movies. but then dunno what happened suddenly. I WAS UNABLE TO CYCLE AGAIN FOR TWO DAYS. TWO FUCKING DAYS. I VEGETATED AT HOME. DIDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT. WAS WORKING. WHY? BECAUSE I'M UNABLE TO WORK IN THE OFFICE. IT'S FUCKIN ANNOYING HOW I'M UNABLE TO WORK IN THE OFFICE. JUST CAN'T TOLERATE BEING AROUND PEOPLE AND THE WORKPLACE NOISE. COMMUTE IS SO EXHAUSTING. WITH PEOPLE FOLLOWING NO BOUNDARIES. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I TOOK TWO DAYS TO RECOVER. BUT I AGAIN ATE SHIT. THOSE POTATO CHIPS WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME. I REALLY NEED HELP.

Ok, enough of yelling here. 

I don't know what i'm going through. Can't put a finger on it. but I'm not feeling good. eyes and head hurt. heart is aching for some reason. just can't make sense of my life anymore. I'm still having violent thoughts of killing myself. But I also have one fleeting thought of riding my bike.  that unconditional joy i get out of it. N is also quite kind to me. dunno why. I don't deserve it.

i just want my peace of mind back. please, someone, help me. 

exorcised

Went cycling today. That blood-sucking, diabolical demon in me has been temporarily exorcised. It may awaken next month, probably. Who knows. Not that I don't do anything to contain it. Maybe I should restart journaling so that I won't explode every time my hormones are going for a toss.  

Made up with N; the poor guy was licking his wounds. Told him to ignore all the shit I had laid on him the previous night. Told him that the demon made me do it. But who am I kidding? He's surely hurt, but kind enough to not show it to me. Why is he so pathetically kind towards me? I'd never understand. Seriously. I don't deserve such kindness or love or anything. How will he forget the shit I made him go through? How will he forget how much I have hurt him? And why should he? He doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Maybe one day, when I am gone, he will quietly breathe a sigh of relief that he will not have to deal with me and my demonic outbursts any longer. Hopefully, that day will come soon. 

going mental

Still feeling horrible after yesterday's mental breakdown. Not only did I textually break down here, but I was also horrible to N yesterday. I would like to retain my previous post as it is. It's evidence of my unhinged behaviour, and of how I'm losing my mind, and that N is not to be blamed for anything that happens to me in case I finally decide to kill myself. I'm solely responsible for my unhinged actions.

I wanted to go cycling in the morning. Couldn't. I had woken up at 5, and I could have. But I slept. I think if I go cycling, maybe my mood will improve. Dunno. Or, is there any cure at all for someone who is gradually going mental? 

infuriated

I'm so pissed right now I can't even write or think straight. Pissed at everything. Yeah, I am/was on my period. It's so infuriating that men have this biological advantage over us. Don't have to bleed heavy blood clots through their flaccid knobs, don't have to feel bloated or gassy a week before this painful nonsense arrives, don't have to feel hot in the body, don't have to deal with fucking cramps in the legs and stomach, their moods don't swing like a never-ending hormonal roller coaster, and deal with suicidal thoughts every now and then. It's so fucking infuriating when I'm unable to go cycling during these days. Just as I was feeling good about completing a challenge I have to go through this shit painful 5/6 days. So infuriating. SO INFURIATING THAT I WANT TO SCREAM SO LOUDLY AND SMASH THINGS AND KILL THE PEOPLE WHO ANNOY THE FUCK OUT OF ME. 

I AM SOMEHOW UNABLE TO SUFFER THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF INCONVENIENCE OR INCOMPETENCE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. 

MY MIND IS ON FIRE RIGHT NOW BUT I CAN'T SAY THIS TO ANYONE BECAUSE IM IN OFFICE AND THERES A DECORUM TO MAINTAIN

AT HOME ALL MY ANGER GETS DIRECTED AT N WHO COMES IN THE FIRING LINE AND EXPECTS ME TO BE WARM AND GENTLE BECAUSE HE WORKS FROM HOME AND IS ALONE ALL THE TIME.. HOW SHOULD I DO THAT WHENMY MIND IS NOT ABLE TO THINK STRAIGHT OR FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL. HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I DO THAT. HOOOWWW??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? AT TIMES I FEEL LIKE JUST SLICING THE KNIFE RIGHT THROUGH MY THROAT OR STAB MYSELF TO DEATH OR BANG MY HEAD SO HARD ON WALL OR JUST JUMOP DOWN FROM THE TERRACE OR JUMP IN FRONT OF A FAST TRAIN OR JUST HAMMER MY HEAD MULTIPLE TIMES TILL THE BRAIN SMARSHES OUT. NOONE WILL FUCKINGG CARE. EVERYONE WILL MVE ON WITH THEIR FUCKING LIVES. I HATE HOW I HAVE T BEHAVE IWHT N BUT I CANT HELP IT. I JUST FUCKING CANT HELP MYSELG. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. I FUKING HATE MYSELF SO MUCHJ I WANT TO DIE 

PEOPLE DONT DO THEIR JOBS PROPERLY. NO ONE FUCKING HAS ANY INTEGRITY AND THEY GET AWAY WITH THIS KIND OF SHITTY BEHAVIOUR. IT'S SO ANNOYING THAT THEY FUCKING GET AWAY WITH IT. THERE IS NO KINDNESS ANYWHERE. NO INTEGRITY. THERE IS SO MUCH NOISE EVERYWHERE. NOBODY LISTENS. NOONE STICKS TO THEIR WORD.

YEAH IM ON MY PERIOD THAT IS WHY I AM YELLING. 

sacrifice

How to choose between two things that are equally important to you? Last Saturday, I got a brand new ankle tatt, but had to stop cycling for a few days to protect my tattoo. Last month, too, I couldn't take part in the cyclothon because I got both my hands tatted. It broke my heart into ten thousand pieces when I couldn't take part in my first-ever cyclothon. 

It felt like I had to sacrifice my baby to Satan. I know this may sound a bit dramatic as an example, but that's how I felt. Anyway. I hope I will be able to gather that same momentum in a few days once I can get back to cycling. 

  

disappointed

That's how I'm feeling right now with everyone. Like, I can see their human side, and I can't help feeling disappointed in them. Why do I expect things from those who are incapable of being their true self and talk to you without any agenda? I never learn. 

The only life advice I think I ever got from my father was: Never expect anything from anyone. Never. 

That's it. Depressingly simple and straight, yet so difficult to follow. No matter how hard you try, you usually end up expecting things from people. Imagine how free you would feel if you actually followed this. 

People, including your family, friends, colleagues, people you think you are friends with, and everyone disappoints you at some time in life. It's like I have started being suspicious of every action one takes, and it's exhausting. You just have to live with it. It hurts like a madafaking splinter in your legs that can't be removed. Anyway. That's life. I think I need to deal with it or die.