allergic to yappers and noise

Why am I always surrounded by people who yap like the world is ending in the next second and are always high on life? I'm not averse to humour; in fact, I like it, dark humour especially. But sometimes I wonder where people get that kind of energy to speak so much and listen so surprisingly little that I would be thrilled to find someone who actually listens after asking any question. I mean, it amazes me to see how much people can yap. Half of the time, they don't contribute anything substantial to the conversation.  

My work, in general, suffers because I'm surrounded by ten thousand yappers and the amount of decibels my ears are assaulted with. I get so overwhelmed that my brain just shuts down and works on autopilot. I wish I could just teleport to a different city or country where people and operations are generally quiet and not fuck with the minds of introverts like me who are sensitive to noise.

N is thankfully someone who does. I always thank my stars, but when he expects me to talk to him after reaching home, my already battered mind struggles to talk to him. Facing these things sucks the life out of me sometimes. And it's not like I don't get judged for this. If only I could just lose my hearing now. It's alright even if it turns fatal. I really don't care. 

I SIMPLY WANT PEOPLE TO STOP YAPPING ALL THE FUCKING TIME. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I WANT THE OVERALL NOISE TO GO AWAY. IT'S FUCKING WITH MY MIND SO MUCH I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT AT TIMES. I WANT PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO EACH OTHER MORE. 

Sorry for this outrage. I really wish we had the tech to mute people's yapping while they are talking. Just so I can't hear anything. Why am I getting so sensitive to noise? I need serious help.

mold

A lot happened between April and July. I'm just so overwhelmed right now. There are so many things sitting like a moldy dish in my mind's hot oven. I'm kinda struggling to function.  

I had an accident in May and missed most of the cycling in that month and in June, and even as July is progressing. From June 1st, I got my periods, which haven't stopped YET. I have been wearing a pad ever since. Got myself tested, a discomforting sonography and TVS, and all that jazz... turns out the reason I have been bleeding and spotting so much is that I have an endocrinal polyp which will go away after a quick surgery, which I am obviously not willing to go through. Not just for the cost, but also the thought is scary. Also, there is no guarantee that the idiotic polyp won't reappear.  

During this time, my moods were swinging in full power. N would rightly say, when were they ever not swinging? Made him cancel his trip to his hometown because I was feeling overwhelmed. Nearly had a mental breakdown so that he would think hard before leaving. He did a huge favour by staying back that day, as I might have done something untoward, I'm sure. You now see the kind of torture I inflict on N? He has been suffering ever since he married me. I do wonder at times that he might be quietly hatching a plan to end his misery of living with me. Probably divorce me later when he doesn't have to answer his family or mine. But, for now, he's trying to get by and tolerate me. Patience and tolerance are indeed his superpowers. He's waiting for the right moment to avoid embarrassment, I guess. He is most likely mistaking his Stockholm syndrome for the love he says he has for me.

If I disappear from his life, I might make his life easier. Even my burden of having harassed him so much will go away with me. But I presently don't have the courage to take such a step. Will think strongly once my mind goes back to that phase where all I see in front of me is a pitch-black wall of nothing. 

There are two ways for me—either to disappear geographically or from existence. Before I choose the latter, I might seriously consider the first one. Now that my brother is also settled and has a wonderful partner, my parents are settling well, N is the only one suffering because of me. I should do something to end N's misery. I have been such a toxic partner to him that I'm sure he will be low-key glad that I went away. His overall health improves when he's with his mother and family; his mother makes sure he eats well and lives as stress-free as possible. When with me, he is constantly under stress. Deal with my mood swings, unpredictability, and cold behaviour. Although I know if I disappear, he will miss me a bit, but I guess he should be able to heal from his Stockholm syndrome after a few months or a year. 

I also spent a small fortune and bought an iPad to write whatever it is I thought of during that moment of excitement. Dunno what I'm gonna do about it. Anyway. Don't want to talk about it just yet. 

I'm just trying to breathe slowly now and hold back tears.

I rode today...

... and I'm feeling much, much better. That's it. :) 

recovery

So, yesterday, in my muted rage, I almost hit my eardrums with my pen. I had held my pen so tightly and had this strong urge to burst my eardrums, so that I could turn deaf and not listen to anyone anymore. But like they say, better sense prevailed; that thought left me as quietly as it had appeared. I was in the office and didn't want to create a scene, so I kept my pen down. All this shit hasn't thankfully affected my work performance. 

I discovered that there is something called a madafcking post-menstrual syndrome. (exCuSe mY frEnch.) Because, like everyone, I googled my symptoms instead of going to a doctor and landed on a page by Healthline that implied that I may have had this idiotic POMS for this particular cycle. As if PMS and PMDD weren't enough to torture me. Anyway. I'm doing relatively better today. While I didn't ride today, I slept properly. The rage has subsided slightly. It feels like the calm after the shitstorm. To my surprise, I even found myself chatting with a familiar friendly face on the commute to work. Usually, I bury my head in a book so that no one bothers me. Even she must have been surprised, I guess, or not. Whatever.  

I will hopefully start riding my bike from tomorrow. I need that dopamine spike badly. Yours truly is, hopefully, on an emotional recovery.     

 

rollercoaster

dunno why i am unable to contain my anger. even the slightest inconvenience is pissing me off so bad. head feels heavy and i'm unable to make sense of my foul mood. One moment it is alright, the other moment, it just dips. Weekend was good, rode and watched good movies. but then dunno what happened suddenly. I WAS UNABLE TO CYCLE AGAIN FOR TWO DAYS. TWO FUCKING DAYS. I VEGETATED AT HOME. DIDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT. WAS WORKING. WHY? BECAUSE I'M UNABLE TO WORK IN THE OFFICE. IT'S FUCKIN ANNOYING HOW I'M UNABLE TO WORK IN THE OFFICE. JUST CAN'T TOLERATE BEING AROUND PEOPLE AND THE WORKPLACE NOISE. COMMUTE IS SO EXHAUSTING. WITH PEOPLE FOLLOWING NO BOUNDARIES. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I TOOK TWO DAYS TO RECOVER. BUT I AGAIN ATE SHIT. THOSE POTATO CHIPS WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME. I REALLY NEED HELP.

Ok, enough of yelling here. 

I don't know what i'm going through. Can't put a finger on it. but I'm not feeling good. eyes and head hurt. heart is aching for some reason. just can't make sense of my life anymore. I'm still having violent thoughts of killing myself. But I also have one fleeting thought of riding my bike.  that unconditional joy i get out of it. N is also quite kind to me. dunno why. I don't deserve it.

i just want my peace of mind back. please, someone, help me. 

exorcised

Went cycling today. That blood-sucking, diabolical demon in me has been temporarily exorcised. It may awaken next month, probably. Who knows. Not that I don't do anything to contain it. Maybe I should restart journaling so that I won't explode every time my hormones are going for a toss.  

Made up with N; the poor guy was licking his wounds. Told him to ignore all the shit I had laid on him the previous night. Told him that the demon made me do it. But who am I kidding? He's surely hurt, but kind enough to not show it to me. Why is he so pathetically kind towards me? I'd never understand. Seriously. I don't deserve such kindness or love or anything. How will he forget the shit I made him go through? How will he forget how much I have hurt him? And why should he? He doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Maybe one day, when I am gone, he will quietly breathe a sigh of relief that he will not have to deal with me and my demonic outbursts any longer. Hopefully, that day will come soon. 

going mental

Still feeling horrible after yesterday's mental breakdown. Not only did I textually break down here, but I was also horrible to N yesterday. I would like to retain my previous post as it is. It's evidence of my unhinged behaviour, and of how I'm losing my mind, and that N is not to be blamed for anything that happens to me in case I finally decide to kill myself. I'm solely responsible for my unhinged actions.

I wanted to go cycling in the morning. Couldn't. I had woken up at 5, and I could have. But I slept. I think if I go cycling, maybe my mood will improve. Dunno. Or, is there any cure at all for someone who is gradually going mental?