disappearing sense of belonging

On my recent visit to my home, my mom quietly took out my engagement and reception photo albums and showed them to my sister-in-law. I was wondering why she got them out on that particular day, for no rhyme or reason. After gleefully watching the photos and riding the nostalgia wave, she told me to take these albums back with me. "We are decluttering the house since it's anyway going for redevelopment in a few months," is what she said later to me while I was stepping out of the house to head to my place. 

Maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic here, but I felt a small nudge in my heart. Over the years, as I got married and moved out, I could see how gradually the house I grew up in and once called home no longer held my scent. Apart from a large wall frame of my brother and me, and my trophies from my college days, there is no trace of me in there. I understand that they have to move out, and then gradually everyone needs their space. But the sense of belonging that I once had with that house... I could know where all the things are even if I am blindfolded; I can't do that anymore. 

It's not that my relationship with my parents or my brother is estranged. They are all there when I need them. The physical distance is, at times, painful. Is it possible to miss them even when they are around? My mother never really got me, and my father had his guard up all the time. He never let anyone in, nor did he try to form that bond with us. The only person I spoke to heart-to-heart was my brother. Now that he is busy with his own work and newly married life, that has affected the way we normally spoke. I understand; I am not cribbing about it. It's just that... all of this hurts badly. The sense of belonging which I once had is somehow slowly disappearing. Now that the building will be taken down for redevelopment, I will have nothing to remind me of the house I once grew up in. Somehow, I am getting this sense of rootlessness, not just from the physical place I once called home. But also with the people who share my bloodline. 

Again, this is not to say that I'm not happy for them. They love me to the moon and back; I am well aware and grateful for that. I probably miss my time with them.

I miss my father when I hear old Hindi songs, when I see how comfortable today's kids are talking with their fathers and how I still am not. How lonely he is and how I am so like him in so many ways. I miss him so much. But I can't say this to him. I can't tell him that I love him and miss him. I miss how he used to refill my wallet with good changes of 10s, 20s, and 50s for my travel allowance without me asking for it. I miss him when the burden of problem-solving falls on me entirely at times and remember how he did it when we were growing up. I can see the loneliness in him and can somehow see the same reflected in me. Anyway, don't want to open that door of memories for now. Writing this as I am in the office, and I don't want to spiral.

burden

How to unburden this weight of judgments from your shoulders when it is imposed directly by your loved ones? Although they are doing it unintentionally, this weight makes your shoulders stoop in shame and disappointment. No matter how hard you think you will be unbothered, eventually it manages to sit heavily on your chest. Your brain begins to fog, and your heart wants out. 

I have almost forgotten what it's like to not be surrounded by judgmental people, who watch and scrutinise your every move, and take your every word and every action at face value. Why are people who judge such bad listeners? Why do people who judge have such strong and rigid opinions to an extent that they may hurt and humiliate others? Why do people who judge not think of others' perspectives, even for a split second? Why do people who judge not care, even for a minute, how their words and thoughts would affect others? 

How to not let all this affect your state of mind? How to stay immune to this kind of behaviour and compartmentalise your emotions? How to not feel invaded or humiliated or attacked even? How? How to pretend that everything is alright and behave fairly with the ones who have not done any harm to you? How to protect your heart and mind from this constant ache? How to unburden yourself from this emotional burden? 

How?

allergic to yappers and noise

Why am I always surrounded by people who yap like the world is ending in the next second and are always high on life? I'm not averse to humour; in fact, I like it, dark humour especially. But sometimes I wonder where people get that kind of energy to speak so much and listen so surprisingly little that I would be thrilled to find someone who actually listens after asking any question. I mean, it amazes me to see how much people can yap. Half of the time, they don't contribute anything substantial to the conversation.  

My work, in general, suffers because I'm surrounded by ten thousand yappers and the amount of decibels my ears are assaulted with. I get so overwhelmed that my brain just shuts down and works on autopilot. I wish I could just teleport to a different city or country where people and operations are generally quiet and not fuck with the minds of introverts like me who are sensitive to noise.

N is thankfully someone who does. I always thank my stars, but when he expects me to talk to him after reaching home, my already battered mind struggles to talk to him. Facing these things sucks the life out of me sometimes. And it's not like I don't get judged for this. If only I could just lose my hearing now. It's alright even if it turns fatal. I really don't care. 

I SIMPLY WANT PEOPLE TO STOP YAPPING ALL THE FUCKING TIME. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I WANT THE OVERALL NOISE TO GO AWAY. IT'S FUCKING WITH MY MIND SO MUCH I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT AT TIMES. I WANT PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO EACH OTHER MORE. 

Sorry for this outrage. I really wish we had the tech to mute people's yapping while they are talking. Just so I can't hear anything. Why am I getting so sensitive to noise? I need serious help.

mold

A lot happened between April and July. I'm just so overwhelmed right now. There are so many things sitting like a moldy dish in my mind's hot oven. I'm kinda struggling to function.  

I had an accident in May and missed most of the cycling in that month and in June, and even as July is progressing. From June 1st, I got my periods, which haven't stopped YET. I have been wearing a pad ever since. Got myself tested, a discomforting sonography and TVS, and all that jazz... turns out the reason I have been bleeding and spotting so much is that I have an endocrinal polyp which will go away after a quick surgery, which I am obviously not willing to go through. Not just for the cost, but also the thought is scary. Also, there is no guarantee that the idiotic polyp won't reappear.  

During this time, my moods were swinging in full power. N would rightly say, when were they ever not swinging? Made him cancel his trip to his hometown because I was feeling overwhelmed. Nearly had a mental breakdown so that he would think hard before leaving. He did a huge favour by staying back that day, as I might have done something untoward, I'm sure. You now see the kind of torture I inflict on N? He has been suffering ever since he married me. I do wonder at times that he might be quietly hatching a plan to end his misery of living with me. Probably divorce me later when he doesn't have to answer his family or mine. But, for now, he's trying to get by and tolerate me. Patience and tolerance are indeed his superpowers. He's waiting for the right moment to avoid embarrassment, I guess. He is most likely mistaking his Stockholm syndrome for the love he says he has for me.

If I disappear from his life, I might make his life easier. Even my burden of having harassed him so much will go away with me. But I presently don't have the courage to take such a step. Will think strongly once my mind goes back to that phase where all I see in front of me is a pitch-black wall of nothing. 

There are two ways for me—either to disappear geographically or from existence. Before I choose the latter, I might seriously consider the first one. Now that my brother is also settled and has a wonderful partner, my parents are settling well, N is the only one suffering because of me. I should do something to end N's misery. I have been such a toxic partner to him that I'm sure he will be low-key glad that I went away. His overall health improves when he's with his mother and family; his mother makes sure he eats well and lives as stress-free as possible. When with me, he is constantly under stress. Deal with my mood swings, unpredictability, and cold behaviour. Although I know if I disappear, he will miss me a bit, but I guess he should be able to heal from his Stockholm syndrome after a few months or a year. 

I also spent a small fortune and bought an iPad to write whatever it is I thought of during that moment of excitement. Dunno what I'm gonna do about it. Anyway. Don't want to talk about it just yet. 

I'm just trying to breathe slowly now and hold back tears.

I rode today...

... and I'm feeling much, much better. That's it. :) 

recovery

So, yesterday, in my muted rage, I almost hit my eardrums with my pen. I had held my pen so tightly and had this strong urge to burst my eardrums, so that I could turn deaf and not listen to anyone anymore. But like they say, better sense prevailed; that thought left me as quietly as it had appeared. I was in the office and didn't want to create a scene, so I kept my pen down. All this shit hasn't thankfully affected my work performance. 

I discovered that there is something called a madafcking post-menstrual syndrome. (exCuSe mY frEnch.) Because, like everyone, I googled my symptoms instead of going to a doctor and landed on a page by Healthline that implied that I may have had this idiotic POMS for this particular cycle. As if PMS and PMDD weren't enough to torture me. Anyway. I'm doing relatively better today. While I didn't ride today, I slept properly. The rage has subsided slightly. It feels like the calm after the shitstorm. To my surprise, I even found myself chatting with a familiar friendly face on the commute to work. Usually, I bury my head in a book so that no one bothers me. Even she must have been surprised, I guess, or not. Whatever.  

I will hopefully start riding my bike from tomorrow. I need that dopamine spike badly. Yours truly is, hopefully, on an emotional recovery.     

 

rollercoaster

dunno why i am unable to contain my anger. even the slightest inconvenience is pissing me off so bad. head feels heavy and i'm unable to make sense of my foul mood. One moment it is alright, the other moment, it just dips. Weekend was good, rode and watched good movies. but then dunno what happened suddenly. I WAS UNABLE TO CYCLE AGAIN FOR TWO DAYS. TWO FUCKING DAYS. I VEGETATED AT HOME. DIDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT. WAS WORKING. WHY? BECAUSE I'M UNABLE TO WORK IN THE OFFICE. IT'S FUCKIN ANNOYING HOW I'M UNABLE TO WORK IN THE OFFICE. JUST CAN'T TOLERATE BEING AROUND PEOPLE AND THE WORKPLACE NOISE. COMMUTE IS SO EXHAUSTING. WITH PEOPLE FOLLOWING NO BOUNDARIES. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I TOOK TWO DAYS TO RECOVER. BUT I AGAIN ATE SHIT. THOSE POTATO CHIPS WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME. I REALLY NEED HELP.

Ok, enough of yelling here. 

I don't know what i'm going through. Can't put a finger on it. but I'm not feeling good. eyes and head hurt. heart is aching for some reason. just can't make sense of my life anymore. I'm still having violent thoughts of killing myself. But I also have one fleeting thought of riding my bike.  that unconditional joy i get out of it. N is also quite kind to me. dunno why. I don't deserve it.

i just want my peace of mind back. please, someone, help me.