black velvety nights

I miss the comforting black velvety nights 

that embraced my pain once... 

they accepted me as it is, you know. 

I miss the hovering ghosts 

that paralysed me in my sleep once... 

they remind me of death, you know.

I miss the silent company of the broken stars 

who heard me scream once...

they know what it is to be broken, you know.

I miss those searching eyes 

that used to light up upon seeing me once... 

I miss those pretty smiles

that used to feel warm upon meeting me once...

I miss those sweet, lingering gazes

my melancholic heart used to thrive on once... 

I miss being happy, you know. 

I miss what's it like to feel cheerful...

I miss being insanely in love...

I miss the deep sense of belonging...

I miss what's it like to feel anything at all...  

I miss the comforting black velvety nights

that embraced my pain once...

rant.ignore.

Where should I put this horrible feeling of guilt? It's consuming me so badly... While standing on the track today, I just wanted the train to hit me quickly enough to tear my being apart into pieces. I am so overwhelmed at the moment that I scared a few good people. Will I have to take this to my grave? 

Why am not able to be happy even for a minute? Why am I never happy? Why does my past haunt me so badly that it's making me want to kill myself? 

I'm hurting so bad right now... the emotional pain is so much right now..  

Why is it difficult for me to ask for a warm hug? Why is it difficult for me to trust someone with my thoughts?

Why is it difficult for me to just let go off my past and forget all the abuse I so foolishly endured?

Why is it so difficult for me to not be so naive every fucking time?

Why I always feel like my mind is going to explode into pieces and I won't bother to pick them up... 

Why? 

rant. ignore.

what to do when you feel like you don't belong anywhere? to no one? 

i message myself on WhatsApp assuring things will be alright, and this overwhelming melancholic feeling will pass. But that doesn't help. 

what to do when you no longer feel that warmth your heart so desperately aches for?

when you see through those who talk to you only because they have a purpose or agenda...?

when you are just so tired of... everything?

pain never goes away, you just have to learn to live with it.

rant.ignore.

It takes 21 days to form a habit. So, that would mean... to be able to live without someone, too, can take that many days. 

My absence won't matter after 21 days or maybe a year. Then, they all will move on with their lives and I'll gradually cease to exist from their active memories until my death anniversary. 

This does seem harsh a little on first read, but it's true. It's alright because even a part of me would want them to move on and live happily. Maybe it's a little narcissistic of me to think that they should miss me horribly every waking moment of their lives as if I have had a big part to play in it. It's nothing like that. Most of them are concerned about filling their own stomachs and sleeping at night. 

People generally are more interested in sharing how they are feeling or anything that affects them than knowing more about you. It hurts a little sometimes, but it's alright, that makes them human. I guess it's again narcissistic to think that they should ask me how I'm feeling. People do battle 10k problems of their own almost every day, why should they ask anyway? 

Anyhoo... Even if they do miss me horribly, they will be relatively at ease on the 22nd day. They will figure out an alternative to my presence. So, it should be okay, I guess, not to worry too much about how my absence would really hurt them. 

Makes sense, no? 

rant. ignore.

when will this pain end? 

m's death triggered a few things and brought back the thoughts i had buried deep down my melancholic heart. i know it's not m's fault and am not blaming him. it's just that am not feeling well, emotionally. the chaos that has made a home in my mind has now begun to bruise me and i don't know what to do with it. why am i hurting so much? 

when will this pain end?

rant. ignore.

M, one of our most beloved Samaritans volunteers, died today. This kind 86-year-old was the co-founder of Samaritans Mumbai Helpline and was suffering from advanced-stage cancer. He was a warm person and I really liked him. I was in the office when I read a WApp text in the Helpline group at 3 pm today that said that he was no more. His funeral took place at the same place where my grandma was cremated. I was in two minds if I should go there. I would have met him at his place sooner but I was not aware of his condition earlier. 

I have never been good at processing emotions, especially grief. I never got a chance to bid my grandma goodbye. I loved her so much, I cared for her and looked after her. I never cried when she died. It's been 13 years now, but then, almost every day ever since I have been thinking of her.     

A lot of bad memories, apart from my grandma's death, are attached to that place where M was cremated today; somehow, even today, I'm struggling to process them. It hurts so much. No, I didn't go to the funeral. It would have triggered a lot of feelings which I am not sure am capable of handling right now. Not a day goes by when I don't think of those memories and by going there it would have just been reopening old wounds and inflicting fresh ones. I do feel guilty for not going. But it would have been really difficult for me to carry on later. Even as I decided to not go, my mind already began wandering in that direction. Again, flashes of those memories flew past my eyes even as I was pretending to read.

Like a selfish coward who is unable to face these feelings, I took refuge in the office banter even though I was mentally absent from the conversations and somehow ended the office hours. Later, eating one of my favourite comfort foods with a kind, loving soul brought a brief respite from the numbing pain I was going through. My heart was so heavy at that moment. Had he asked me how I am doing... I would have easily broken down in tears. He thankfully didn't ask. Better sense prevailed and I managed to smile and talk through it till I perched myself on the train seat.

I'm hurting. So much. Even today my vision is blurred with my tears as I'm typing this. There is so much pain in my heart that I feel I'm now incapable of loving anyone. I might end up only hurting them with this pain. I really hope to stay sane, at least for a minute. 

rant. ignore.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly that am unable to contain my tears now as am typing this... My mind is wandering in all unwanted directions. So many thoughts all at once. It's suffocating me... I thought this new job will save me from hurting myself. But I still managed to carve the two lines on my wrists. One reminder for each of my sins. The pain that am going through, where should I put it? 

Interestingly, no one really sees it. Everyone is so busy with their own problems and in their own worlds, no one has the time to lift their eyes from their phones or take time out today for any deep, meaningful conversations. Also, no one really cares or observes unless they have any vested interest in you or for some reason like or hate you. Well, this makes my life easier as I don't have to hide it or keep an answer ready like blaming a blind foster cat for clawing on my arms. One, the middle one, indeed Milo did it while he was jumping across in a frenzy. But the rest two marks are my doing. I have further designed it as claw marks. Looks and sounds convincing. A reminder that I do not deserve to forget the wrongdoings and live with the guilt for the rest of my waking life. 

The feeling is so overwhelming that it becomes difficult to function. Yet I have to... There are things I want to forget but am unable to and am not being allowed to as well. Also, I feel I won't allow myself to forget those things. Living with guilt is making me a little crazier with each passing day. I guess I deserve that. But there I am waking up every morning going to the office and behaving like things are going just fine - emotionally, I mean. I keep getting flashes of past traumas and mishappenings and zone out during conversations. Even the smallest familiar word takes me back to the images I'm trying to let go of. Even while I am working alone, reading, I suddenly zone out. This has been happening a lot lately.

Thanks to my work profile now, I'm reading more and writing 100-word shorts with K. That's helping me a little, though. I'll not deny that. But how long will inanimate words and authors will provide my ever-chaotic brain with the solace I so long for? Will I ever be happy? Will I always be in that anticipation of the other shoe dropping? So many people are dealing with much greater problems, trauma, and grief. How do they survive? With whom do they share their problems and pain?    

One look at this blog and you will see that side of me I never present to the world. But no one reads this blog. Not even the ones who are closest to me. LOL. So, I'm safe here to let my emotions loose. Initially, I used to worry that N or S would read the blog and see what I am going through. But nah. No one has the bandwidth today and neither do I want them to waste their time on this, on me. Do I really deserve their time, attention and love? S, probably, because am biologically connected to him. But N? I really don't know. I don't even know if he would ever forgive me. Forgive me for what? I will share it someday here when I am ready. I really don't want to ruin anything between us at the moment. It's nothing short of a miracle that he has survived living with me so far.

I know this melancholic high tide my mind is experiencing right now will eventually subside and resurge with a huge force sometime again later. I feel, one day, when it becomes too unbearable, I might just go ahead and jump my way to death - experience the last surge of adrenaline before I depart. Meanwhile, let me keep punishing myself, justly, for the sins I've committed.     

#100-wordshorts: 3. Window

That beautiful magpie robin again perched on my window today and woke me with its continuous melodious whistling. It's been a month now. This nuisance, I call it Rob, lands on my window every morning as soon as my eyes feel droopy and I decide to sleep. 

I'm a chronic night owl. I generally hate, H A T E, early mornings or any mornings for that matter.  

So, today, when Rob looked through my window and began whistling, our eyes met. I swiftly picked up my gun and shot Rob in one go. Good riddance, I thought. 

Next morning, as I was about to sleep, Rob again perched himself on the window, whistling. Only this time, staring menacingly at me. 

#100-wordshorts: 2. Space

This unhinged squatter slapped me so hard on my bony face, that my canine tooth got dislodged. 

I have been locked in this rotten, mouldy room for over twenty years. Or is it ten? Not even sure how I ended up here. But it still amazes me why no one, not even my fucking dog, bothered to look for me all this time. Whenever anyone enters this room, they either scream their lungs out or pretend they don't hear me scream.  

I am not sure how long I can take this. This room is going to be the end of me one day.

#100-wordshorts: 1. Chase

She jumped head first from our 50th-floor vacant apartment in her wedding gown with tears brimming in her scared eyes and trembling body. 

She finally agreed to take her life after listening to my persistent raspy whispers in her ears.  

Never in my wildest dreams, I had imagined that she would kill me brutally- right on the day we were supposed to get married. 

I mean - she was the love of my life; we were meant to be together. 

"I will chase you to death, darling," were my last words to her.

rant. ignore.

It's been almost over three weeks now that I'm unable to feel better. Usually it's waves crashing and receding... But this time it stayed for quite a bit. Trapped in my own stinking pile of thoughts... As much as am trying to feel normal and functional, I feel triggered by the smallest things now. Is triggered a loaded word? Dunno... I'm struggling to find a way out of this trap.. 

Haven't been able to talk properly with anyone in the past few days.. It's like, I almost forgot how to talk.. there are spaces and people that need me, my attention... I almost pretend that things are okay.. Although I have no energy whatsoever to go on. Talking about things is another thing altogether. 

I have started hating to see my reflection now. It's like I don't really know the person that I'm anymore and i don't like what I see. Not that I have liked it before. It's like meeting a stranger instead of your own reflection in the mirror. sometimes i feel safe to go dark. people are so consumed in their own lives and solving their 99 problems one day at a time, you just do not appear into their minds. 

How can i find a way out of this chaotic mind of mine? Should I give it all up so that my mind is finally at ease? My family history tells me that two people died of suicide when they were in their 30s. Will I be the next? 

moonflower

he used to call me his moonflower

'you'll bloom in the dark'

were his last words to me 

i visit his grave every night with moonflowers,

wearing white wedding gown and pearls he'd gifted me

on some days, he visits me from hell

on some days, in my sleep, his icy hands strangle me

on some days, he lures me to death

on some days, his pale black shadow kisses me 

'come home, my love,' he says, as he tries to kill me 

yet, i visit his grave every night with moonflowers,

wearing white wedding gown and pearls he'd gifted me

tic-tac-toe

TW: death, morbid poem whatever

I carved a swift ‘X’ on her arms 

with a razor sharp steak knife

‘tic tac toe - our favourite game’ 

I whispered lovingly to my drugged wife

She squirmed, she swayed

I slit her veins, again  

hoping to see the light 

from her eyes fade 

she smiled, though, 

and whispered raspily

‘I’ll always love you &

I’m here to stay’  

Her struggling body swam in a 

pool of crimson red 

Her soul gradually treaded towards 

the fiery doors of hell 

As I now lay besides her,

relieved now that she’s dead

I suddenly felt overwhelmed 

with pangs of grief and dread

Her icy-cold fingers 

tightly held mine

not wanting to let go 

even in death

she now laughed hysterically

taking her final raspy breaths

her sharp nails carved 

a huge ‘O’ on my arms

cutting through my veins, i bled

Scared and bewildered, i fled 

‘My love, the game has just begun,’ 

crawling behind me now, she said

melancholia

 if you look close enough

you'll see a haunting void

my eyes hold, shrouding 

the embers of my dying soul

my mind trapped in 

deafening chambers of chaos 

would only combust in flames 

if you caress it a little

they call me 'melancholia'

for living in the past and writing down my pain

but will the darkness within me go away

if i start calling myself a sunflower?

white noise

sitting by the sea, 

i wonder what it'd be 

to drown with huge rocks 

tied to your legs 

that lead you down into 

the dark abyss of nothingness... 

won't it feel the same 

as carrying the burden 

of your past with you?

if you don't know how to swim, 

won't drowning be an ideal way 

to end all the pain?

will the water that rises up my nose 

and blocks my breathing, be kind enough to 

knock me unconscious or 

will I kick my legs and 

wave my arms frantically 

and struggle to breathe? 

will i take that effort 

at all to survive? or 

will i surrender my body 

to the force of water? 

is my life worth being saved? 

they say  deep underwaters 

isolate you from the background noise 

can it also isolate me 

from the incessant white noise of my past 

that is plaguing my mind and my present? 

will it calm the chaos that i carry within?

there is only one way to find out...            

[Here's me, starting the new year on a morbid note :P]