rant. ignore.

It's been almost over three weeks now that I'm unable to feel better. Usually it's waves crashing and receding... But this time it stayed for quite a bit. Trapped in my own stinking pile of thoughts... As much as am trying to feel normal and functional, I feel triggered by the smallest things now. Is triggered a loaded word? Dunno... I'm struggling to find a way out of this trap.. 

Haven't been able to talk properly with anyone in the past few days.. It's like, I almost forgot how to talk.. there are spaces and people that need me, my attention... I almost pretend that things are okay.. Although I have no energy whatsoever to go on. Talking about things is another thing altogether. 

I have started hating to see my reflection now. It's like I don't really know the person that I'm anymore and i don't like what I see. Not that I have liked it before. It's like meeting a stranger instead of your own reflection in the mirror. sometimes i feel safe to go dark. people are so consumed in their own lives and solving their 99 problems one day at a time, you just do not appear into their minds. 

How can i find a way out of this chaotic mind of mine? Should I give it all up so that my mind is finally at ease? My family history tells me that two people died of suicide when they were in their 30s. Will I be the next?