i heard this word today - serendipity. it left me wondering, is it serendipitous to be associated with a bunch of good people who help troubled souls like me? or may be my desperate need to kintsugi my damaged mind brought me to them. you see, they quite lovingly and generously offer you a space to talk about your feelings; off load, they call it. they tell you how important it is for you to look after your mental health too. it is indeed good of them to care for the whole bunch and their concern comes from a good place. but how should i tell them that i've never learned how to do it? finding the right words to express my feelings, is something i have never done for almost a quarter of my life. like me, there are several in the group who are unable to off load. ab kya hi kar sakte hai?    

listening to them gives me a faint delusion that i matter to them. but do i really? i'm not sure. all have their own battles to fight and demons to tend to, especially with this pandemic fucking with everyone's mind and health. who has that mental space to accommodate my pain? and why burden them with one when they are dealing with their own shit? to this they say, don't feel guilty about it... how can i not? would only make me feel worse by doing it. it already does when i try to share some of it with n. there is a funny sounding word for this - conundrum.

besides, how healthy is it to connect with someone, for whom, you know that at the end of the day, you won't matter much. of course, they would talk to you, but how long would they be able to offer you their mental space? won't they have their own shit to deal with? you'll never be exclusive. is it narcissistic to think this way? or is it simply heart-breaking, especially when you massively fancy one of them? won't it further mess with your already fucked up mind? 

urgh.. why do i always become so cranky in may?     

this blog is turning into my pensieve now... not that anyone reads it anyway.