mold

A lot happened between April and July. I'm just so overwhelmed right now. There are so many things sitting like a moldy dish in my mind's hot oven. I'm kinda struggling to function.  

I had an accident in May and missed most of the cycling in that month and in June, and even as July is progressing. From June 1st, I got my periods, which haven't stopped YET. I have been wearing a pad ever since. Got myself tested, a discomforting sonography and TVS, and all that jazz... turns out the reason I have been bleeding and spotting so much is that I have an endocrinal polyp which will go away after a quick surgery, which I am obviously not willing to go through. Not just for the cost, but also the thought is scary. Also, there is no guarantee that the idiotic polyp won't reappear.  

During this time, my moods were swinging in full power. N would rightly say, when were they ever not swinging? Made him cancel his trip to his hometown because I was feeling overwhelmed. Nearly had a mental breakdown so that he would think hard before leaving. He did a huge favour by staying back that day, as I might have done something untoward, I'm sure. You now see the kind of torture I inflict on N? He has been suffering ever since he married me. I do wonder at times that he might be quietly hatching a plan to end his misery of living with me. Probably divorce me later when he doesn't have to answer his family or mine. But, for now, he's trying to get by and tolerate me. Patience and tolerance are indeed his superpowers. He's waiting for the right moment to avoid embarrassment, I guess. He is most likely mistaking his Stockholm syndrome for the love he says he has for me.

If I disappear from his life, I might make his life easier. Even my burden of having harassed him so much will go away with me. But I presently don't have the courage to take such a step. Will think strongly once my mind goes back to that phase where all I see in front of me is a pitch-black wall of nothing. 

There are two ways for me—either to disappear geographically or from existence. Before I choose the latter, I might seriously consider the first one. Now that my brother is also settled and has a wonderful partner, my parents are settling well, N is the only one suffering because of me. I should do something to end N's misery. I have been such a toxic partner to him that I'm sure he will be low-key glad that I went away. His overall health improves when he's with his mother and family; his mother makes sure he eats well and lives as stress-free as possible. When with me, he is constantly under stress. Deal with my mood swings, unpredictability, and cold behaviour. Although I know if I disappear, he will miss me a bit, but I guess he should be able to heal from his Stockholm syndrome after a few months or a year. 

I also spent a small fortune and bought an iPad to write whatever it is I thought of during that moment of excitement. Dunno what I'm gonna do about it. Anyway. Don't want to talk about it just yet. 

I'm just trying to breathe slowly now and hold back tears.