my mind travels in the past and lingers there like a ghost. It longs to undo the things that set me on this path of emotional turmoil. It looks to see if I ever was a happy person.
It's not like happiness always evaded me. I remember how amused I used to be when my father would roll me up like a burrito inside the mattress when I was little enough to fit in it. I remember how connected I used to feel when on Sundays my father used to play old Hindi film songs and ask me to join him in cleaning the house. The feeling of being loved and taken care of when you see your empty wallet filled with exact change of 10s, 50s, and 100s, without you mentioning it. There was a weird sense of safety I felt through his small actions. I think about these days sometimes.
I'm deliberately trying to think of good times here. Because then lingering on the bad ones would surely make me spiral down a black pit I may never want to return from.
Anyway, it'll be awkward to explain to colleagues who might need me for work why I'm tearing up. Will post something later.
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