rant.ignore.

It takes 21 days to form a habit. So, that would mean... to be able to live without someone, too, can take that many days. 

My absence won't matter after 21 days or maybe a year. Then, they all will move on with their lives and I'll gradually cease to exist from their active memories until my death anniversary. 

This does seem harsh a little on first read, but it's true. It's alright because even a part of me would want them to move on and live happily. Maybe it's a little narcissistic of me to think that they should miss me horribly every waking moment of their lives as if I have had a big part to play in it. It's nothing like that. Most of them are concerned about filling their own stomachs and sleeping at night. 

People generally are more interested in sharing how they are feeling or anything that affects them than knowing more about you. It hurts a little sometimes, but it's alright, that makes them human. I guess it's again narcissistic to think that they should ask me how I'm feeling. People do battle 10k problems of their own almost every day, why should they ask anyway? 

Anyhoo... Even if they do miss me horribly, they will be relatively at ease on the 22nd day. They will figure out an alternative to my presence. So, it should be okay, I guess, not to worry too much about how my absence would really hurt them. 

Makes sense, no? 

rant. ignore.

when will this pain end? 

m's death triggered a few things and brought back the thoughts i had buried deep down my melancholic heart. i know it's not m's fault and am not blaming him. it's just that am not feeling well, emotionally. the chaos that has made a home in my mind has now begun to bruise me and i don't know what to do with it. why am i hurting so much? 

when will this pain end?

rant. ignore.

M, one of our most beloved Samaritans volunteers, died today. This kind 86-year-old was the co-founder of Samaritans Mumbai Helpline and was suffering from advanced-stage cancer. He was a warm person and I really liked him. I was in the office when I read a WApp text in the Helpline group at 3 pm today that said that he was no more. His funeral took place at the same place where my grandma was cremated. I was in two minds if I should go there. I would have met him at his place sooner but I was not aware of his condition earlier. 

I have never been good at processing emotions, especially grief. I never got a chance to bid my grandma goodbye. I loved her so much, I cared for her and looked after her. I never cried when she died. It's been 13 years now, but then, almost every day ever since I have been thinking of her.     

A lot of bad memories, apart from my grandma's death, are attached to that place where M was cremated today; somehow, even today, I'm struggling to process them. It hurts so much. No, I didn't go to the funeral. It would have triggered a lot of feelings which I am not sure am capable of handling right now. Not a day goes by when I don't think of those memories and by going there it would have just been reopening old wounds and inflicting fresh ones. I do feel guilty for not going. But it would have been really difficult for me to carry on later. Even as I decided to not go, my mind already began wandering in that direction. Again, flashes of those memories flew past my eyes even as I was pretending to read.

Like a selfish coward who is unable to face these feelings, I took refuge in the office banter even though I was mentally absent from the conversations and somehow ended the office hours. Later, eating one of my favourite comfort foods with a kind, loving soul brought a brief respite from the numbing pain I was going through. My heart was so heavy at that moment. Had he asked me how I am doing... I would have easily broken down in tears. He thankfully didn't ask. Better sense prevailed and I managed to smile and talk through it till I perched myself on the train seat.

I'm hurting. So much. Even today my vision is blurred with my tears as I'm typing this. There is so much pain in my heart that I feel I'm now incapable of loving anyone. I might end up only hurting them with this pain. I really hope to stay sane, at least for a minute. 

rant. ignore.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly that am unable to contain my tears now as am typing this... My mind is wandering in all unwanted directions. So many thoughts all at once. It's suffocating me... I thought this new job will save me from hurting myself. But I still managed to carve the two lines on my wrists. One reminder for each of my sins. The pain that am going through, where should I put it? 

Interestingly, no one really sees it. Everyone is so busy with their own problems and in their own worlds, no one has the time to lift their eyes from their phones or take time out today for any deep, meaningful conversations. Also, no one really cares or observes unless they have any vested interest in you or for some reason like or hate you. Well, this makes my life easier as I don't have to hide it or keep an answer ready like blaming a blind foster cat for clawing on my arms. One, the middle one, indeed Milo did it while he was jumping across in a frenzy. But the rest two marks are my doing. I have further designed it as claw marks. Looks and sounds convincing. A reminder that I do not deserve to forget the wrongdoings and live with the guilt for the rest of my waking life. 

The feeling is so overwhelming that it becomes difficult to function. Yet I have to... There are things I want to forget but am unable to and am not being allowed to as well. Also, I feel I won't allow myself to forget those things. Living with guilt is making me a little crazier with each passing day. I guess I deserve that. But there I am waking up every morning going to the office and behaving like things are going just fine - emotionally, I mean. I keep getting flashes of past traumas and mishappenings and zone out during conversations. Even the smallest familiar word takes me back to the images I'm trying to let go of. Even while I am working alone, reading, I suddenly zone out. This has been happening a lot lately.

Thanks to my work profile now, I'm reading more and writing 100-word shorts with K. That's helping me a little, though. I'll not deny that. But how long will inanimate words and authors will provide my ever-chaotic brain with the solace I so long for? Will I ever be happy? Will I always be in that anticipation of the other shoe dropping? So many people are dealing with much greater problems, trauma, and grief. How do they survive? With whom do they share their problems and pain?    

One look at this blog and you will see that side of me I never present to the world. But no one reads this blog. Not even the ones who are closest to me. LOL. So, I'm safe here to let my emotions loose. Initially, I used to worry that N or S would read the blog and see what I am going through. But nah. No one has the bandwidth today and neither do I want them to waste their time on this, on me. Do I really deserve their time, attention and love? S, probably, because am biologically connected to him. But N? I really don't know. I don't even know if he would ever forgive me. Forgive me for what? I will share it someday here when I am ready. I really don't want to ruin anything between us at the moment. It's nothing short of a miracle that he has survived living with me so far.

I know this melancholic high tide my mind is experiencing right now will eventually subside and resurge with a huge force sometime again later. I feel, one day, when it becomes too unbearable, I might just go ahead and jump my way to death - experience the last surge of adrenaline before I depart. Meanwhile, let me keep punishing myself, justly, for the sins I've committed.