rant. ignore.

I'm writing this as am having one of my occasional mental breakdowns now. I'm fighting this strong urge to hurt myself at the moment. Don't know where I should put my pain. My cushion is soaked in my tears and am typing with my eyes holding the fresh ones which are yet to flow. I really don't know why am feeling this way. Want to feel sane for a minute. It's been a while since my mind has been letting jn intrusive thoughts. Really think that am losing mymind. like, it's chipping away one breakdown at a time. I know I really need help. but on whose doors should i knock?/ i have put n through so much that it makes me difficult to live with this increasing shame. he keeps asking me what's bothering me so much that i can't share it with him. at this point there is nothing that I want to say to him than to hurt him more. i don't know if i will ever wake up tomorrow. not that i have taken something. just unable to see how am going to live with this insanity that is slowly creeping into my mind. i feel i may some day just behave like a loose canon and draw things on myself with sharp objects. feels like no one would really be bothered by my absence. they all will move on. for some reasone, thinking a lot about how i was unable to say goodbye to my grandmother who passed years ago. is she calling me to the other side? sometimes i feel my mind will rest if i end it once and for all. may be just get my head smashed somehwere so that i am left with no consciousness at all while i cross over to the other side. my mind or brain as you say feels heavy as lead now. like all my weight has been pushed towards my brain. my eardrums feel like they would burst any moment with the kind of internal pressure my mind is holding. it feels like your own thoughts are suffocatiog you to death in the dead of the night. if i die, give away my functionsing organs to the ones who are in need, but destroy my brain. i don't want to pass on this torture to anyone in any way. i feel with me not being around, it will help n in th elong run. but any way that I guess only time will tell.