PATIENCE

My patience is being seriously tested today. 

My senior colleague told me that the boss is bothered and not happy by how many sick leaves I take. This was because I told her I need some more time on proofreading a 600+ page manuscript and indirectly noted how I take leaves and this gets delayed. 

Our office doesn't have a fucking work from home policy. So, how should I tell my "upset" boss that I could have fucking availed those WFH facility instead of taking leaves. They are so fucking rigid about these policies that I feel pity on how so not employee-friendly this pathetic organisation is. They are okay with us working from home on our sick leaves. But not okay about allowing WFH policy. There is a reason why they are not doing well.

Do you know that our boss snoops and intereferes on our emails on a daily basis? Had I known about this issue, I would not have joined this place in the first place. 

I am so fucking pissed right now that I could seriously smash my keyboard on this office computer and just simply destroy the entire office space. I swear I wish to stay calm. But I really anm st4ruggling right now. 

Our boss monitors us through the CCTV cameras. Does he ever notice how the seniors around me waste my time yapping through their nonsense? DOES TYHIS BOSS NOTICE HOW THEY WASTE MY TIME AS WELL AS THEIRS DURING THE FUCKI(NG OFFICE HOURS>? 

I WQISH I COULD YE;LL; 0ON TOP POF MY VPOICE AND SAY THIS TOI HIS PATHETIC ASS. I SWEART TO GOD I DPONT KNPOW WHYT MY PATRIENCE IS BEING TESTSED TODAY.

I want to tell him how unfair it is to not have this WFH policy and then expect us to complete our work when we take sick leaves. I am so overwhelmed right now. 

My senior says that I have only one project indirectly saying that such multi-tasking you have to do. When have I never done that? Has she assessed this poorly now? ISTG, I will soon plan my exit strategy. I really hate how sad this office situation is.  The seniors gossip, and waste theirs as well as my time during the office hours. Just because they are there in the office for so long they get the immunity. My boss, who monitors everyone through CCTV cameras, doesn't see this? Why doesn't he tell them to fucking do their jobs? Doesn't he see how they disturb others?

I swear, I have to think of an exit strategy now. 

  

   

unbothered

How should I stay unbothered by people who talk incessantly and loudly, on their phones or with their friends at homes and in public and fucking everywhere? 

I'm getting violent thoughts of shoving their phones down their throat and bashing their heads on a wall. Like, why can't people just maintain some fucking decorum in public here in India? Is that so hard to follow fucking civic sense? I really have this urge to bash their heads and mouths so that they just stop fucking yapping all the time.

I really need help. 

red

I'm hurting so much right now. Like, literally and metaphorically. There's this huge lump in my throat right now and I feel like bawling my eyes out, but I can't. Don't want to sound any alarms. 

My mind isn't quieting down. My tears aren't willing to flow and are trapped somewhere. It's suffocating me so much. 

Of course, I'm hormonal right now. It's my first day of the five-day shitstorm I face monthly. I want to feel better for once. I want to stop pretending for once. I want to feel safe for once. I want to, may be, understand what's it like to stay happy for more than a day for once. I want to know what it's like to not be puppeteered by my mood swings for once. I want to break free from these intrusive thoughts. 

I'm so tired of my mind right now that I could even climb up to the tallest tower in the town and take the plunge just to end it all at once. I want to know how it'd feel like to have that last rush of adrenaline in your bloodstream before your brain smashes on the ground resembling a squished watermelon. 

Anyway. I'll try to get some sleep now. Let me see how I survive the storm.