rant. ignore.

It's been almost over three weeks now that I'm unable to feel better. Usually it's waves crashing and receding... But this time it stayed for quite a bit. Trapped in my own stinking pile of thoughts... As much as am trying to feel normal and functional, I feel triggered by the smallest things now. Is triggered a loaded word? Dunno... I'm struggling to find a way out of this trap.. 

Haven't been able to talk properly with anyone in the past few days.. It's like, I almost forgot how to talk.. there are spaces and people that need me, my attention... I almost pretend that things are okay.. Although I have no energy whatsoever to go on. Talking about things is another thing altogether. 

I have started hating to see my reflection now. It's like I don't really know the person that I'm anymore and i don't like what I see. Not that I have liked it before. It's like meeting a stranger instead of your own reflection in the mirror. sometimes i feel safe to go dark. people are so consumed in their own lives and solving their 99 problems one day at a time, you just do not appear into their minds. 

How can i find a way out of this chaotic mind of mine? Should I give it all up so that my mind is finally at ease? My family history tells me that two people died of suicide when they were in their 30s. Will I be the next? 

moonflower

he used to call me his moonflower

'you'll bloom in the dark'

were his last words to me 

i visit his grave every night with moonflowers,

wearing white wedding gown and pearls he'd gifted me

on some days, he visits me from hell

on some days, in my sleep, his icy hands strangle me

on some days, he lures me to death

on some days, his pale black shadow kisses me 

'come home, my love,' he says, as he tries to kill me 

yet, i visit his grave every night with moonflowers,

wearing white wedding gown and pearls he'd gifted me

tic-tac-toe

TW: death, morbid poem whatever

I carved a swift ‘X’ on her arms 

with a razor sharp steak knife

‘tic tac toe - our favourite game’ 

I whispered lovingly to my drugged wife

She squirmed, she swayed

I slit her veins, again  

hoping to see the light 

from her eyes fade 

she smiled, though, 

and whispered raspily

‘I’ll always love you &

I’m here to stay’  

Her struggling body swam in a 

pool of crimson red 

Her soul gradually treaded towards 

the fiery doors of hell 

As I now lay besides her,

relieved now that she’s dead

I suddenly felt overwhelmed 

with pangs of grief and dread

Her icy-cold fingers 

tightly held mine

not wanting to let go 

even in death

she now laughed hysterically

taking her final raspy breaths

her sharp nails carved 

a huge ‘O’ on my arms

cutting through my veins, i bled

Scared and bewildered, i fled 

‘My love, the game has just begun,’ 

crawling behind me now, she said