why is it so difficult to stay happy?
even if a particular moment brings happiness to me, i keep thinking of the time when the other shoe will drop and i will spiral down into the darkness. it's as if i don't want this darkness to go. it's as if, i long for it because i know, happiness is fleeting and darkness will stay. it's as if i'm no longer afraid to perish.
i managed to survive 2021. that's an achievement. i was convinced to have turned into a ghost by now. i do continue to have these thoughts, though. it's been a few days now that i have been hopeful, and it scares me. it's scares me because i'm certain it may not last long and then i'll be disappointed and again those voices would whisper in my ears and tell me that i have hurt everyone so bad that i don't deserve to exist, to be loved..
i do wonder sometimes, what's the point of my existence.. when i have only done is to hurt the people i loved the most and lost them; when all i feel is the fiery pain in my chest; when all i can think of how my my mind and body have become so fragile that they may just shut down any day and i know that i'm so exhausted that i'll not do anything to revive it.
what's the point, really? we all have to die some day. i'll just be one of the early birds flying in that direction, like my uncle.
i'm afraid to be hopeful and happy, but i think i'll try and survive 2022 to see a few more smiles and laughs of those around me, one day at a time.
