is it really? i really don't know. it genuinely left me wondering.. when i was never in my life able to talk about anything that i have been through to anyone, sharing it with someone makes me romanticising the pain i have been through? i guess, that must be it.
i guess i am better off like my father who has built this impregnable firewall around him. not letting anyone know what you feel, leaves no chance of them talking about it or trivialising it, even if they claim to understand your pain. in any case, no one likes to swim in a never-ending dark pit.
sometimes, it makes me wonder, why are people with me? is it because of who i am as a person or is it because they fear being alone and seek companionship. they would move on if i am no longer in their lives. their lives won't stop for me.
one day this darkness in me will gobble me up like a black hole and i will no longer be able to find myself anywhere. it is so agonising that it feels like my insides are burning in an excruciatingly slow pace. may be i am romanticising the pain that i have been through using my words here. but i guess, this is where i can. at least here no one will judge me. i'm so tired of people trivialising what i share with them, even something which is not personal. am i destined to take everything that i have bottled up so far in my heart to the grave?
i thought of seeking therapy. but i really don't have the energy to do so. on the surface i look like someone who is normal but my mind is burning like it's lit on fire.
you know i wanted to be a writer. because writing and reading gives me peace, because words and books don't judge. i don't have to feel guilty for dogearing them or folding their cover or breaking the spine of a book or forming the words the way i want. they just accept me the way i am. the constant guilt and shame to be a bother to someone who loves you and lives with you and thinks that you are romanticising your pain - is in a way heart-breaking for me.
i'm so tired of thinking if the person is in that headspace to hear what i want to say. so tired. it never happens the other way round. why am i getting annoyed at this?
may be i am romanticising my pain by sharing it in words here. but where should i put all the pain that i am experiencing? should i not do that here, too?
may be some day when i am not around, people will check this blog and probably makes sense of all the posts that i have written. may be then, they will think that i was not romanticising it, just trying to express it.
