you are finally able to say the things you never imagined you would to that person, who graciously listens, if not accepts, and makes you nearly believe that the person cares for you. the curiosity in trying to demystify you, the warmth of their words seem sincere and almost try to pierce through the shield you have worn to protect yourself from any more damages. it makes you feel... seen. it makes you feel... wanted. it makes you feel.. connected. it makes you, at least for a little while, believe that someone thinks of you the way you think of them, too, without any agenda. it makes you feel that you can find that comfort you have been seeking your whole life in these uncomfortable conversations. it makes you, albeit hesitantly, happy.
and then the bubble breaks and you wonder: how long will this be? when your mind is so afraid to be happy, you think when will the shoe drop and you will again see that you were never exclusive. you will again go down that spiral and swim in the dark pits of your mind where pain, like a loyal lover, awaits you with open arms and embraces your frail heart.
p.s.: sorry to disappoint you. yes, i'm alive. i survived a tornado which was raging in my mind earlier this month... and, boy, that was not easy. well, some time sooner may be. i couldn't resist writing this post, i was kind of overwhelmed in a good way :-) ... had to share it.
