to whoever is reading this post,
thank you for reading my blog. you have no idea how happy it makes me if someone reads my written word. i did want to become a writer, but i don't see that happening in my near future. future?! lol.
i feel like my mind is running on its final lap and would come to a halt soon due to exhaustion. if you can read between the lines, i hope you understand what i'm trying to say.
just can't continue long enough. i'm hurting so much. i put n through the shit that i'm going through. he did say today, albeit out of frustration, that he's tired of dealing with my mood swings and depressive episodes. his frustration felt real. so real. why can't i help myself from not bothering him. he is trying his best to survive with me. tolerating me at every step. don't know how much longer he can take it.
i think i'm legit losing my shit. have started hallucinating a bit as well, as much as tossing in the bed is becoming a task for me because my mind is so heavy. don't feel like opening my eyes. it's like a sisyphean struggle. i'm talking here because i don't know where else to put my pain anymore. can't bother n anymore now. really can't.
if you don't see any posts before december, consider this as my last one. my blog will languish in this faceless and chilly world of internet like my grave. oh, wait, i don't want to be buried or cremated. i want the functioning organs to be donated to the ones who need it the most. just in case anyone hears about my death and has been reading this blog. (lolol, who am i kidding... no one reads this blog, not even my ex for whom i have dedicated so many posts - not that he knows about it)!
while i was chopping onions the other day i again got this strong urge of playing a tic-tac-toe on my wrist with the knife. i did draw an outline without doing the incision, but a voice in my head was like, not now - not now - it would be traumatic for n to see me lying with blood dripping from my wrist. i did wish to slyvia plath the way out of my mind a couple times, but use a cooker instead, we don't have an oven. but then again, i don't want my last image to be haunting his mind for the rest of my life. although he might get over my loss, he might never forget the image. I think sleeping pills are best, you just won't wake up, that's all and it will look like you're sleeping. but for that i need to visit a psychiatrist/psychologist who can prescribe me one. let's see if this works out for me.
anyhooo.. don't be scared, i may disappoint you by posting before december. if not, then, please do consider this as my last post. Thank you so much for patiently reading through my blog. if you like any of my posts, please do leave a comment saying how you felt. although i may not be around to read it, my soul might burn a little less in hell with your kind words. bye, you lovely reader. have a good life.
